What’s Your Defining Moment? How to use it without making your public speaking all about you

Every powerful speaker has one: That moment. The turning point. The conversation, event, loss, or realization that redefined who they were or who they could be.

These defining moments are real. These moments are raw and always personal. They mark the beginning of a new chapter. 

But here’s the hard truth: Just because a moment changed you doesn’t mean your speech should be about you.

When you stand on stage or in front of a room, your job isn’t to prove how much you’ve overcome. It’s to hold up a mirror. To say, “Here’s what I’ve been through. But this story? It’s really about you.”

Let’s unpack how to use your defining moment to guide your audience’s transformation without making your story the destination. Because this is what public speaking is all about. Your audience

1. The Purpose of a Defining Moment Isn’t to Impress. It’s to Unlock.

Think of your defining moment as a key. It opens a door for the audience to walk through. If you use it only to showcase your strength, growth, or success, the door slams shut. Because your audience is stuck on the outside, watching your story unfold with no path to step into it themselves.

Let’s say your defining moment was starting over after a major failure. Maybe you were fired, went bankrupt, or walked away from the “dream job.” If you only talk about how you rebounded, the audience may admire your resilience but still doubt their own.

But if you talk about the mental shift that helped you start over, like finally realizing you were measuring success by someone else’s standards, you give them something they can work with.

Don’t just tell us what happened. Show us what it unlocked and what it means. 

That’s what makes a moment useful, not just memorable.

2. Shift the Focus of your Speech from “This Happened to Me” to “Here’s What This Made Me See”

This is the difference between storytelling and story shaping.

Most speakers default to storytelling: recounting a sequence of events. But story shaping is different. It’s the intentional crafting of those events to highlight meaning, change, and a shared emotional journey.

It’s not about reliving every detail of the moment. It’s about selecting the right details that guide your audience from one emotional place to another.

Let’s take a simple example.

Storytelling: “I was cut from the varsity team my junior year. It devastated me. I spent the whole summer training and made it the next year.”

Story shaping: “Being cut didn’t just bruise my ego, it messed with my identity. For the first time, I realized effort doesn’t always get you immediate results. But that summer taught me the difference between practice and preparation. And that shift? That’s what changed everything.”

The first version is a story about you. The second version is a story that serves your audience.

3. Ask Yourself: What Shift Do I Want My Audience to Experience?

This is the single most important question before using a defining moment in a talk.

The moment isn’t the message. The shift is.

Do you want your audience to:

• Reframe failure as feedback?

• See leadership as influence, not authority?

• Stop outsourcing their worth to external validation?

• Finally give themselves permission to start?

  
  

Once you identify the shift, you can reverse-engineer your defining moment to support that transformation.

Your moment becomes a guidepost, not a spotlight. Your story shows them what’s possible for them, not just what was remarkable about you.

4. Create an Entry Point: Invite Them in With Shared Emotion. This is how to Connect in Public Speaking.

The most effective defining moments don’t begin with the most dramatic detail. They begin with something the audience recognizes in themselves.

Think about starting with a question, a simple visual, or a feeling that bypasses the intellect and goes straight to the gut:

• “Have you ever worked your heart out, only to feel invisible?”

• “Do you know what it’s like to be good at what you do and still feel like you’re falling short?”

• “There was a moment where I realized I wasn’t chasing my dream. I was chasing my father’s approval.”

  
  

These are the emotional doors your audience can walk through. They don’t need to share your background or circumstances. They just need to share the feeling.

Because emotion is the great equalizer. And shared emotion builds trust faster than credentials ever could.

5. Don’t Just Show Them the Moment. Show Them the Meaning.

What makes a defining moment defining isn’t what happened. It’s what you took from it. And more importantly, how that meaning now belongs to the audience.

Let’s say your defining moment was overcoming a childhood speech impediment. Sure, the details might be powerful because of all the therapy sessions, the stutter, the shame. But if you stop there, the speech is about you.

Instead, shape the takeaway:

“I used to think that speaking clearly was the goal. But I’ve come to believe that speaking honestly is what moves people. And I never would’ve learned that if I hadn’t struggled to find my voice.”

Now the story becomes a setup for your audience to reflect on how they’re using (or hiding) their own voice.

6. Land the Plane in Their World, Not Yours.

After sharing your defining moment, don’t fade out with a final line about your growth or success.

Land the moment by pivoting to your audience:

• What do you want them to feel, decide, or do?

• What invitation are you extending?

• What truth are you offering that could help them live differently tomorrow?

Your story is the spark. But the fire is what they do with it.

“That moment taught me to stop waiting to be chosen. To stop playing small. And maybe. Just maybe. You’re in that same moment right now. So don’t wait. Choose yourself.”

Now the story is theirs, too.

Final Thought: Your Story Is Personal. Your Message Is Universal.

The best talks don’t say, “Here’s who I am.” They say, “Here’s who you could become.”

So yes, use your defining moment. But don’t use it as a badge. Use it as a tool. A guide. A shared starting line.

Because when you get it right, your story does more than inform or entertain.

It transforms.

And that’s the whole point of stepping on a stage in the first place.